Sorry that I’ve been awol. Busy times! Anyway, here I am. I’m musing and, just a heads up, it’s a tough topic, this one.
What am I on about? The Jeni Haynes story. I went on YouTube recently to do a search and while there, suggested to me was this. I’d been aware of dissociation, but, this many? The trauma would’ve had to have been extremely severe. Sounds like it was. I suppose I should be grateful that we weren’t told the details of what all happened, as it appears it would shake any of us to our cores, but just the fact that this happened to a child made it feel like my very soul was being torn apart. APART, I tell you.
I went looking for more. I was searching for context, for something, something to grab onto to try to make sense of it all. I ended up reading this. In short, nothing was helping. I was left with only more questions. Where was her mum all that time? What about the other siblings?? How about the neighbors?? How did no one know or help her? I turned almost angrily to God. Why?? Why was this allowed to go on, not for a week, or a couple of months, but…years?! And her father, who is such a man? What made him this way?
You can tell I haven’t yet run out of questions. I still find myself lying awake at night thinking of this precious woman. I sometimes Google her just to see that one picture of her as a child that literally haunts me. I look and look. Why? Am I hoping that every story she shared was wrong? Am I hoping to jump back in time to rescue that precious toddler/preschooler? I think of her age when it all began. I think of my child, and I think of my child’s friends. They’re…tiny. TINY beings. What in the world??
I can’t put this one together. I just…I’ve struggled. It’s been a couple of weeks now, and, here I am. Writing from that place. Not having the answer. God hasn’t quite answered those specific things I asked, but… but, He did remind me of a couple of things. Bear with me.
I was reminded that He sees. There was a lady in the Bible times who was in such distress of soul, inner turmoil, and in that story, she encountered “the God Who sees” in Genesis 16:13. She too was confused, unsure of what the future held for her and the son she so loved. Well, God showed up. Do you know sometimes that really helps me? I know you know what I mean, but I’ll explain differently. At times, I’ve done so many great things around the house. I am not one to draw attention to myself, nor toot my own horn, but there are times when I feel so weary that I do wonder on the inside: does anyone even notice all I do around here? Does anyone care? In those times I’m essentially asking: do I matter? Now, when my husband on his own not only makes a statement that shows he noticed my efforts, but then takes the extra step to praise me for such and such, I feel buoyed on the interior! Those moments show me that every one of us wants to feel some level of significance. We want to know that we are noticed. That we matter. Heck, my little one will at times literally tell me: “Mummy, look to me!” She means “look AT me”, but that’s not the point. She too wants to know that she’s worthy of my gaze.
“There is coming a day when every wrong will be made right.”
Same issue with our Maker. We all go through rough times, and based on Jeni Haynes life, I daresay, some waaaay more than others. The first thing she, and we all, need to know, is that we are seen by Him.
The next thing I felt God made clear to me is that He is a God of justice. There is coming a day when every wrong will be made right. So many things in life right now not only appear to be unfair, but are so. He sees, fixes some here, but ultimately will fix ALL in due time.
Well, those two things help me some. I will probably have questions on this subject for the rest of my days (because reading stories like Jeni’s always makes me keenly aware that this is happening to many other children RIGHT now, and that the world isn’t necessarily their safe place!), but I can at the very least hold onto these truths…
…And pray. Pray for children everywhere and the corresponding broken (read: traumatized) adults as well.
They need justice.